There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
