Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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