I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
