He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
They have beer where we have blood.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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