i wish my penis had a tongue
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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