he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
