someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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