Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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