I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I don't deserve a penis
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
