FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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