You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
