i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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