i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
