Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
