I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
