a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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