Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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