Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
