hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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