Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
