dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
My ATM looks so different sober.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
ttyl tear gas
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
