if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
