Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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