He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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