Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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