A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
