Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
