You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Randomize
