We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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