I just threw up on my dentist
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
