im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
