Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
