I CAN MOONWALK!
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Holy sore nipples Batman
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
