you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
