okay pat passed out under dana's car
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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