I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
