This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize