Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
