What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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