Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
