He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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