he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize