what day is it and did you see me today?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
