you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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