We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
