That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
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