Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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