She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
