i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
