Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
