I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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