yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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