sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My penis needs a shock collar
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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