I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize