So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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