I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
