dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
