i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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