Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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