I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize
