Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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